Today is a hard day

Today is a hard day. You see, I have shared my breastfeeding story/struggles in the past and today it all came thundering back to me.

My breastfeeding story, to me, has been one of trying and failing. I desperately wanted to breastfeed my babies and for one reason or another it didn’t work out. From bad latches, lip ties, low supply, pain etc. my breastfeeding journey only lasted around 6 weeks with my first two girls. It broke me. Crushed me. I still get pangs of guilt and sadness to this day. And I was so excited to have one more shot at a successful breastfeeding relationship with our third. But then everything changed when she was born 7 weeks early.

Instead of getting to snuggle and cuddle and feed my baby I formed a love/hate relationship with a pump. It was one of the things I didn’t think about when everything with her birth was unraveling but then shortly after she was born the nurse rolled in the medical grade pump. And since I couldn’t nurse her it became my mission to pump round the clock and get her the best possible nutrients to help her tiny little body fight and grow. It was the least I could do for kicking her out of my body far too early. I was able to provide more than enough for her and get a good freezer stash built up but I still desired to introduce nursing her when she was strong enough. We did all the things we could to help that cause while she was in the NICU. And once she came home we tried but it was hard. She was so little still and it was hard for her to spend that much energy eating. So we nursed every so often but my main relationship was still with the good ol pump.

I battled pain, infection, tears, open wounds and a hardcore case of mastitis coupled with an allergic reaction to medication and a permanently clogged duct. But it was worth it. It felt worth it until she came home and started needed a lot of my time. I was stressing myself out trying to get away to pump while also making sure she was properly cared for. It was also taking me away from my older girls who had not seen much of me during the 5 week NICU stay. I was being pulled in too many different directions, was dealing with postpartum depression and was struggling to stay afloat... something had to give.

So I made a decision to stop pumping. To nurse on occasion but no more being tied to a 2-3 hr timeframe of hooking myself up. It was a brutally hard decision and I wrestled with it, prayed about it, cried over it for a couple weeks before finally making the choice to stop. And I regret it to this day. You see here we are 5 months after that decision and my freezer has one day of milk for her left. I type that with tears rolling down my face. I feel like I have failed her. Like I didn’t try hard enough. Like I could have done more. I should have done more. And believe me, I have Googled and researched re-laction over and over again but its just too hard with our current life. So here we are are…I am proud of what I was able to give her, proud of the things I fought through to keep going and I know that there is NOTHING wrong with formula (my other two girls are super duper healthy and so so smart) but its more than just the milk, its a stage, its an experience that I won’t ever get. Its the end of a chapter of my life, having babies, and its so hard to close that door.

So today it will end. And I will cry more tears than I probably should. But I will try to remind myself to look down at that sweet baby girl and be proud of us, proud of her and remember just how far we have come the last 7 months.

Riley: 6 Months

Its hard to believe that Riley is 6 months old. Her birth and subsequent NICU journey seem like they just happened. Its all still so raw for me. But she has kept growing and hitting milestones and now, all of a sudden, she is as close to a year as she is to birth. I love it and I hate it all at the same time. I am trying my very best to treasure every moment because its all going by way too fast! Riley is a pure joy to be around and just the happiest sweetest baby. It doesn't take much to get smiles and giggles out of her and you can feel her smile from her toes all the way up her body. She is so chill (which was not always the case) and for the most part just goes with the flow. I cannot imagine our family without her in it and we have been so blessed these past 6 months. We love you SO much baby girl!

Stats:
12lbs 11oz (5th % - on the regular non-preemie chart!)
24.6" long (10th %)
Wearing size 1 diapers
Just graduated to 3-6/6mo clothes

Likes:
Laying and exploring on her play mat
Watching her sisters goof around and be crazy
The ceiling fan
Anything that makes the crinkly sound
Cuddling with her Mama

Dislikes:
Honestly, not much. Being overtired.

Milestones/Firsts:
Started baby food!! Oatmeal and some sweet potato, banana and apples.

Sleep:
Hit or miss with naps. Usually takes an 1 - 1.5hr nap 2x a day with a catnap thrown in if needed.
At night she sleeps great! She goes to bed around 7:30ish and will wake up once between 3am-6am and then go back down til around 8-8:30am.
She also moved out of the swaddle this month and into the Magic Merlin Sleepsuit and has done great!

Our NICU Journey

NICU. Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. The NICU is a place I never imagined would be a part of our story. After two uneventful and actually quite delightful pregnancies and deliveries of two full term healthy babies, the NICU was not on my radar at all. And I had never really had any intimate knowledge of the NICU up to this point. That was all about to change.

When the reality finally hit that we would be welcoming our baby girl into this world 7.5 weeks early my first thought was how teeny tiny she would be. I have small babies, both of my older girls were 6lbs 5oz when they were born but this baby, she would be a different kind of small. I had no real idea what a baby born at 32 weeks would look like but I did know that there were lots of risks and potential health complications. And that she would be spending some extended time in the NICU. Up to this point she had been very healthy, measured strong, good heart rates so we were encouraged and the doctors all said that she looked great. We were also told that at 32+ weeks everything is developed and functioning, its just a matter of getting bigger and stronger. But that we also needed to be prepared for things like breathing issues, infection, low blood sugar.

When she was born she cried a big beautiful baby cry right away which was such a huge relief. The team immediately checked her out and she looked great! After I got to hold her for a min or two they took her upstairs to the NICU floor and our journey began.

Because of my blood pressure complications I wasn't able to go to the NICU to see her for another two days after she was born. It was awful, I just wanted to see and touch and talk to my baby. Chase was able to visit and would Facetime me from the NICU. It was surreal to see her so small and tiny in her incubator. She looked so fragile and just small, too small to be on the outside. I wished so much that I could have carried her longer, just let her keep growing safe inside me. But here we were.

My first visit to see her was overwhelming. I was finally able to visit her but I was scared and nervous. Seeing her inside all hooked up to monitors and with a feeding tube in her nose, it broke my heart. And I felt so intimidated by it all, like she wasn't mine to touch and hold. I didn't want to hurt her and was afraid I would put her in danger. It was a lot for a Mama's heart to handle and I found myself not wanting to go visit in those first few days.

Five days after she was born I was discharged from the hospital. That was a really hard day. I was so ready to be out of that hospital room, with my big girls and in my own bed but the reality of leaving the hospital to go home to my family and not taking Riley home with me was devastating. After all we had been through the last year I just wanted so badly to have my family all together. I knew she was being cared for by the best team and was in great hands but it felt like I was leaving a piece of me behind.

I wanted to be at the hospital every day as much as I could. It was a tough balancing act to spend time with Molly and Ellie but also be with Riley. If she couldn't be home with us then I needed to be with her. I didn't like the idea of her being in that crib all alone. I wanted her to hear my voice, feel my touch and know that I was there. But my big girls needed me too. This was a lot for them. They didn't fully understand. I was there one day and then I was gone the next morning when they woke up and a lot changed on a dime. And since kids under 12 aren't allowed in the NICU they didn't even get to meet their baby sister. Our family was in a fragile state, separated and trying to find our way.

At the hospital Riley was doing well. She didn't need a nose cannula because she was breathing great right away. She was a little jaundiced for a couple days but other than that she was pretty healthy. Our goal was just to start putting on weight and working towards getting out of the incubator and into an open air crib and then start taking feeds by bottle. They don't really give you an idea of how long you might have to stay but a good rule of thumb is until their full term due date. For us that meant 7 weeks in the NICU. That sounded like a lifetime to me! I didn't know if I could make it. But I did my best to take it 1 day at a time. And the days started to pass and then a few weeks and then eventually around 5.5 weeks they gave us the green light to take our baby home.

The waves of fear and nervousness and doubt crept back in! I didn't know if I could take care of this tiny baby, I didn't feel like I was prepared enough and I was scared to take her home. But I was also so excited to be all under one roof together. We got to walk out of that hospital with our sweet Riley on Sunday July 29th. We felt incredibly blessed. We met so many other babies and parents that had a much harder road than we did and we knew how fortunate we were.

Having a baby in the NICU there is a constant pulling in all directions. A lot of ups and downs, a lot of two steps forward and one step back. My life shifted dramatically the day Riley was born and our world was turned upside down. My days were consumed with beeps of monitors, crappy hospital meals, pumping every 2 hours, measuring everything in milliliters and grams, changing teeny tiny diapers, snuggling and kangaroo care, lots and lots of tears and dropping to my knees in prayer. Begging God to protect her, watch over her, let her thrive. And looking back He did all of that and so so much more.

Lastly, I want to say the biggest of Thank Yous to the team of doctors and nurses at the Medical City Children's Hospital NICU. I felt confident that Riley was receiving the best possible care the entire time. The nurses were sweet and attentive and loved on our little girl like she was their own. Bless them, they are doing hard work!

Riley was a fighter from day 1 and we are enjoying watching her grow and thrive! We love you sweet girl!


A few pics of the NICU life...

Riley's Birth Story - part two

We left off at me being admitted and the doctors and nurses trying to get my blood pressure under control in order to keep me pregnant as long as possible. (Read part one)

After getting put on magnesium to keep from having a stroke and blood pressure meds (very very high dosages!) my blood pressure was still extremely and dangerously high and they were not able to get it under control. The new doctor (shift change) came in and let me know that for my safety we had to start labor and the process of delivering Riley. We had only had time to get one steroid shot in but they couldn't wait any longer. The only known "cure" for pre-eclampsia is delivery so that is what we had to do.

At this point my number one wish was to avoid a c-section and be able to have a vaginal delivery. A maternal-fetal medicine specialist was called in to do an ultrasound and take a detailed look at Riley to see if I was a candidate to deliver vaginally. Luckily Riley looked great! She was head down in the birthing position, her heart rate and bp was very good and she was already engaged and I was slightly dilated. The doctor gave her blessing and the next step was starting me on Pitocin.

I want to mention now the incredible staff in Labor and Delivery at Medical City Dallas. Everybody was fully present, talking us through every scenario and decision and listening to me and my wishes and taking them seriously and not just brushing them off. At the shift change I also got a new nurse who was a complete and total angel! I would not have made it through the next several hours without her and I am eternally grateful to her. A true blessing in the midst of complete and utter chaos.

So here I am, 32 weeks pregnant, on lots of magnesium which makes you very very loopy and drugged up feeling. I was not allowed to get out of bed because of the magnesium. I was extremely swollen and was having trouble breathing through my nose which was making me very panicky. I had a blood pressure cuff permanently on my arm and going off every 20 minutes in addition to these pump things on my legs to keep my blood moving and prevent any clots from forming. I was a real sight and all of these things were also making me very claustrophobic! I could barely even hold on to things because my hands were SO swollen! The Pitocin started to kick in and contractions were starting to come pretty regularly and they were already very strong. After some discussion with the medical team it was determined that I would have to get an epidural because the contractions and surges in pain would only keep my blood pressure high. I was not thrilled about this but since I was unable to get out of bed and really work through the contractions I decided I was ok with it.

I labored for several hours trying to hold off on the epidural for as long as possible. It finally got to the point that I couldn't make my way through the contractions laid up in bed so I made the call. The anesthesiologist came in and got me all set up for the epidural. They told me that the epidural might actually help my blood pressure lower, what they didn't tell me is what when your blood pressure drops significantly in a very short amount of time (less than a min) it can make you very sick feeling. As soon as the needle came out I started throwing up everywhere. The massive drop threw my body for a loop! Super fun. Poor Chase, I am sure it was quite the scene for him to be witnessing.

After the epidural I was able to get some sleep for a couple hours which was good. I had been awake at this point for more than 24 hours so I needed to rest. I also couldn't eat anything on the magnesium so I was feeling weak from hunger too. After being asleep for a couple hours I woke up to a lot of pain and pressure. I called the nurse in and she checked me, I was at a 7. She turned me on my side to help the progress and I tried to rest a little more. I couldn't get any more rest, contractions were coming every minute and it was extremely painful. Come to find out, the way my epidural was set up I had to push a button to get more...I didn't know that and it had worn off at this point. Epidural rookie! I called the nurse back in within 30 minutes of her changing my position and she checked me again, fully dilated! I was ready to have our baby!

At this point I got really scared. I started wondering what she would look like, how small she would be, would she be ok, would she cry? It all hit me at once and while I was excited to meet our baby I was also incredibly nervous. They also let me know that I might not get to hold her which broke my heart.

The nurse called the doctor in and the NICU team. The doctor got there right away and prepped everything for delivery. She checked me and said she could see Riley's head. I wanted to push so bad but I had to wait for the NICU team to get fully setup so they could get her as soon as she was born. I was trying so hard not to push and finally the doctor just said, "NICU team, get it together. We aren't waiting anymore, she is going to push." The doctor gave me the green light and as soon as the next contraction hit I started to push. It took three contractions and then I felt my body deliver her. I was able to look down and see her be born and the doctor held her up and let me lean forward to touch her and see her before the NICU team had to take her. She was perfect. So beautiful! Our rainbow baby, the baby I had been praying for and wishing for was here. And she was crying! Loud, wonderful, powerful cries! Such an incredible feeling. A miracle.

The NICU team took her and checked her out. Chase went over to her so he could see her, touch her, be by her side. She was doing great right away! No immediate complications, breathing great, good color etc. In fact she was so good that I was able to hold her. I really didn't think I would be able to so this was such a special moment. They wrapped her up and put her in my arms. We locked eyes and I was instantly so in love. I got 2 minutes with her before they had to take her back and get her up to the NICU floor. It was the best 2 minutes. We were able to get a quick family picture and I whispered to her how proud we were, how much we love her and told her to be strong and fight!

They whisked her off up stairs and Chase accompanied her. I didn't want her to be alone. Now it was just me, my doctor and my nurse. I started to cry, everything I had been holding in for the past 48 hrs just came pouring out. My amazing nurse held me, told me it was ok and then prayed over me. Thank God for her.

Riley Logan Vincent | June 28, 2018 | 3lbs 10oz | 16.5" | 10:38pm | 32.5 weeks gestation

Our journey with our little girl was just beginning but we were so excited, happy and felt so blessed. It would turn out that I wouldn't be able to see her again for 2 days because of my own complications. But she was a fighter and was doing so great! More to come on our NICU journey and my recovery. Once again, not what we expected and some more challenges but we could handle it.