When the reality finally hit that we would be welcoming our baby girl into this world 7.5 weeks early my first thought was how teeny tiny she would be. I have small babies, both of my older girls were 6lbs 5oz when they were born but this baby, she would be a different kind of small. I had no real idea what a baby born at 32 weeks would look like but I did know that there were lots of risks and potential health complications. And that she would be spending some extended time in the NICU. Up to this point she had been very healthy, measured strong, good heart rates so we were encouraged and the doctors all said that she looked great. We were also told that at 32+ weeks everything is developed and functioning, its just a matter of getting bigger and stronger. But that we also needed to be prepared for things like breathing issues, infection, low blood sugar.
When she was born she cried a big beautiful baby cry right away which was such a huge relief. The team immediately checked her out and she looked great! After I got to hold her for a min or two they took her upstairs to the NICU floor and our journey began.
Because of my blood pressure complications I wasn't able to go to the NICU to see her for another two days after she was born. It was awful, I just wanted to see and touch and talk to my baby. Chase was able to visit and would Facetime me from the NICU. It was surreal to see her so small and tiny in her incubator. She looked so fragile and just small, too small to be on the outside. I wished so much that I could have carried her longer, just let her keep growing safe inside me. But here we were.
My first visit to see her was overwhelming. I was finally able to visit her but I was scared and nervous. Seeing her inside all hooked up to monitors and with a feeding tube in her nose, it broke my heart. And I felt so intimidated by it all, like she wasn't mine to touch and hold. I didn't want to hurt her and was afraid I would put her in danger. It was a lot for a Mama's heart to handle and I found myself not wanting to go visit in those first few days.
Five days after she was born I was discharged from the hospital. That was a really hard day. I was so ready to be out of that hospital room, with my big girls and in my own bed but the reality of leaving the hospital to go home to my family and not taking Riley home with me was devastating. After all we had been through the last year I just wanted so badly to have my family all together. I knew she was being cared for by the best team and was in great hands but it felt like I was leaving a piece of me behind.
I wanted to be at the hospital every day as much as I could. It was a tough balancing act to spend time with Molly and Ellie but also be with Riley. If she couldn't be home with us then I needed to be with her. I didn't like the idea of her being in that crib all alone. I wanted her to hear my voice, feel my touch and know that I was there. But my big girls needed me too. This was a lot for them. They didn't fully understand. I was there one day and then I was gone the next morning when they woke up and a lot changed on a dime. And since kids under 12 aren't allowed in the NICU they didn't even get to meet their baby sister. Our family was in a fragile state, separated and trying to find our way.
At the hospital Riley was doing well. She didn't need a nose cannula because she was breathing great right away. She was a little jaundiced for a couple days but other than that she was pretty healthy. Our goal was just to start putting on weight and working towards getting out of the incubator and into an open air crib and then start taking feeds by bottle. They don't really give you an idea of how long you might have to stay but a good rule of thumb is until their full term due date. For us that meant 7 weeks in the NICU. That sounded like a lifetime to me! I didn't know if I could make it. But I did my best to take it 1 day at a time. And the days started to pass and then a few weeks and then eventually around 5.5 weeks they gave us the green light to take our baby home.
The waves of fear and nervousness and doubt crept back in! I didn't know if I could take care of this tiny baby, I didn't feel like I was prepared enough and I was scared to take her home. But I was also so excited to be all under one roof together. We got to walk out of that hospital with our sweet Riley on Sunday July 29th. We felt incredibly blessed. We met so many other babies and parents that had a much harder road than we did and we knew how fortunate we were.
Having a baby in the NICU there is a constant pulling in all directions. A lot of ups and downs, a lot of two steps forward and one step back. My life shifted dramatically the day Riley was born and our world was turned upside down. My days were consumed with beeps of monitors, crappy hospital meals, pumping every 2 hours, measuring everything in milliliters and grams, changing teeny tiny diapers, snuggling and kangaroo care, lots and lots of tears and dropping to my knees in prayer. Begging God to protect her, watch over her, let her thrive. And looking back He did all of that and so so much more.
Lastly, I want to say the biggest of Thank Yous to the team of doctors and nurses at the Medical City Children's Hospital NICU. I felt confident that Riley was receiving the best possible care the entire time. The nurses were sweet and attentive and loved on our little girl like she was their own. Bless them, they are doing hard work!
Riley was a fighter from day 1 and we are enjoying watching her grow and thrive! We love you sweet girl!
A few pics of the NICU life...
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